as much as it hurts to hear your first love say you will never be the person they marry, it's true.
you were my first love. but you won't be my last love. you made me a better person, you made me figure situations out that i never thought i'd figure you out, do things i was always too scared to do, and say things i'd never imagine saying. and some were good and some were bad. but regardless, i can only really thank you for everything you've done for me.
i know you think i'm a fucked up person now, i know you think i'm living in a lie but, i'm not.
when i go to bed at night, i am happy. i would be most happy if you were still in my life but i'm not naive and i know the chances of that ever happening are slim to none, especially at this time.
i know that as much as i've told myself i will be the girl you always love, you won't. and some day you'll find another girl that makes me just a passing fad to occasionally look back upon.
now, that girl may not be the one. it may take tons of failed attempts, but you WILL find her. and it WON'T be me.
and that is the first, and only, time i've been able to admit that to myself or anyone else.
i did always, no matter what i've said, think you and i would be together eventually.
but i know we won't. because first loves are meant to teach you, to mold you, to make you grow. and for every one that actually lasts, there are thousands that don't.
but that's not your fault or my fault. that's just the way life was supposed to happen.
i lived before you and i thought i knew what love was. it was only later that i realized i knew nothing about love at all.
and maybe i still don't know what i really should.
but i do know, without any uncertainity in my mind, that you have been the most important thing in my life for so long and letting you go is one of the hardest things i've had to do.
because i WAS always comfortable with you, always myself, always free.
but that doesn't mean that i'm being fake now. it just means i'm adjusting to new people and new situations, and just like you, i have to get comfortable with them too.
all i know is i was okay before you and i'll be okay after you. it's just the healing process that's the most exhausting.
and as much as pains me to say this, i hope you do find the girl of your dreams. you deserve her.
i know when you date someone it's going to break my heart but i also know deep down i'll be happy for you.
you ARE a good person which is why it's so frustrating when you act so hateful towards me and make shallow remarks about my friends.
every guy i've met so far has been nothing like you. and when they compliment me or text me, it makes me just think of what you used to say.
i'm getting used to the idea that not every guy is like you and that that's alright. but i do miss you.
and sometimes at night, i am sad about the way things ended.
but i'm not depressed. and i'm not leading a fake life.
i'm having fun and i'm living. and that's all i need to make it.