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I'm not that basic, I swear. [entries|friends|calendar]
I've had enough with breakdowns and digrams.

My unsaid everything.
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[June 22nd, 2009 - 12:45am]
summer has been amazing. reconnecting with old friends/meeting new ones has been pretty awesome. work is lame but i love my co-workers. brittany and i roadtripped to indiana so i could hang out with someone i met only a month ago. but, sometimes you just know when someone is worth driving through fucking kentucky (armpit of the world) and getting robbed at gunpoint. craziest trip of my life but also one of the most fun. getting to see indiana boys in a month and maybe even going to chicago with them. pretty stoked on life.


to sum up this whole summer so far: WHITE CASTLE

thats all i need to say.
1 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

it's a healthy way to live. [April 17th, 2009 - 2:03pm]
I never use this anymore because I've got nothing interesting to say. No, really.

I've got a job at an amazing hotel (St. Regis) in a spa with Kamilla. I'm doing incredibly well in school (sans astronomy). My relationship with my parents is better than ever. My relationships with my friends is incredible (minus a few people who I rarely speak to/see and wish I did, but it's okay). When life is good, no one seemingly has anything to say.

Why is that? I know for such a long time I've focused on all of the negative aspects of my life and never the positive. But right now, I've got nothing to complain about and it's an indescrible feeling. I think it's just part of growing up, and I'm glad. I'm not proud of the things I've done in the past or the cruel things I've said about people or the times I've judged. I hate being judged so I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize that the old golden rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is still accurate.
Again, I think it's just part of growing up.

We've all made bad choices, said things we shouldn't have, and acted in ways we shouldn't have.
All I can do is be remorseful, apologize to those I've offended, and hope for the best.
If that doesn't mend things then so be it.

I think the hardest thing I've had to learn this year is you can't make everyone like you. There will always be some people who don't like who you are or how you act no matter how nice or how compromising you are.

I can't change other people, just myself. But, that's okay with me.

Do you wonder where the self resides?
Is it in your head or between your sides?
And who will be the one who will decide its true location?
1 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[January 31st, 2009 - 2:10pm]
i'm not scared.
it's no ones business but ours.

i will forever be in love.
i do think that you're being overbearing and unreasonable and i don't care what random people think.

i know what i have to do and i'll do it.

only because i'm sick of fighting.
1 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[December 14th, 2008 - 8:54pm]
I thought we were mature enough to be friends. We were best friends and lovers forever. And while I don't expect us to be best friends anymore, id expect us to be civil. And able to talk.

You act like I don't miss you. I absolutely do. I have never stopped caring or missing you. But, obviously things changed and you want different things and I guess I do too. But I still would like you to be somewhat in my life. I can't make you feel the same but, I wish I could. It depresses me that your friends call me and yell at me for talking to me. I can't control what you do or who you call when your drunk. Ie me. But deep down, I think you call me because you do miss me and when you're drunk, you push aside your bitterness and understand that I am someone you care about even if you don't want to. Maybe I read too much into things or maybe its wishful thinking but, I think you do care still but are just mad about it. Things didn't end smoothly and it still hard, but we can get past it. Maybe not now, but some day.

You were a huge part of my life. And I miss and love you always. I hope one day you'll want to speak to me as much as I want to speak to you.
Call Out.

[December 8th, 2008 - 2:54pm]

your life isn't interesting enough for me to care about, trust me.

anyway, i am happy. i like where i'm at and what i'm doing. i've been a good person lately and just enjoyed being myself.
i really love the people i surround myself with now. especially the girls. i almost always dislike girls but, i get along really well with most of the girls i've been seeing.
the guys in my life are all ridiculous in a good way. i think they make amazing friends because they're no nonsense types of people.
they don't beat around things, if they have an issue with you, they just tell you. and (most of them) are drama- free.
thinking about this time last year does make me a little sad because it makes me miss certain people (guys and girls) who i no longer speak to.
christmas last year was just a really fun time. i miss that.
it doesn't do me any good to miss people though because they came and left my life for various reasons.
i think the ones that bother me the most are the failed relationships that i wanted to fix but couldn't because of my own or another person's issues.
c'est la vie!

everything happens for a reason and cliche cliche cliche blah blah blah.
but it's true, and i'm fine accepting that.

things i'm looking forward to:
-RICHMOND on thursday. so exciting.
-lori's bday dinner tonight
-finals being over
-decorating xmas cookies and making gifts
-band of horses show
-new years eve masquerade party
-making our masks for the party above
-jeremy's xmas get together where i'll get to see a ton of people i never see!
-winter break in general
-starting over on jan. 1st
-getting in shape/dieting

i've got so much to be grateful for so why complain? i think people need to stop focusing so much on their pety life & relationship problems and realize how amazing they have it (me included). the holiday season always reminds me of how many people have so few and how i have so much.
i'm a rich person in family, health, and friendship and i could not ask for more.

ps- he used to text about a billion girls, including me, when you were dating.

i guess i should try to be nicer still. (we all have things we should work on!)

pps- i will always miss you obviously.

Call Out.

[November 24th, 2008 - 1:50am]
i'm so over negativity. i don't want to be negative or be around negative people anymore.
i find myself incredibly annoyed by people who are complaining constantly. just stop, take a breath, and realize life is going to be fine.
(taking my own advice).

anyway, i've been an awful friend to most people lately as far as making and keeping plans.
i apologize. i am going to be better. i havent felt like really doing anything but sitting at one persons house.

i am not going to be drinking as much anymore. i dont drink too much as it is but i know the amount of alcohol i consume is way too much. i don't know my limits. or, i do but i like to push them.

i'm happy right now for the most part. i'm glad i'm going to north carolina on wednesday though. it'll be a good break.
my life isn't very exciting right now but, i like that. i have met some amazing people this year and reconnected with a lot of old friends and i like the people in my life.

happy birthday brittany! i love youuu.
Call Out.

[November 18th, 2008 - 2:01pm]

today i woke up new.


and i'm happy.

On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared
And I began to talk to myself almost immediately
Not being used to being the only person there

The first time I made coffee for just myself, I made too much of it
But I drank it all just cause you hate it when I let things go to waste
And I wandered through the house like a little boy lost in the mall
And an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space

And I sang
Oh, What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do without you?

On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I was cold so I put on a sweater and I turned up the heat
And the walls began to close in and I felt so sad and frightened
I practically ran from the living room out into the street

And the wind began to blow and the trees began to pant
And the world in its cold way started coming alive
And I stood there like a buisness man waiting for the train
And I got ready for the future to arrive
Call Out.

fleeting [November 4th, 2008 - 1:47am]

as much as it hurts to hear your first love say you will never be the person they marry, it's true.
you were my first love. but you won't be my last love. you made me a better person, you made me figure situations out that i never thought i'd figure you out, do things i was always too scared to do, and say things i'd never imagine saying. and some were good and some were bad. but regardless, i can only really thank you for everything you've done for me.
i know you think i'm a fucked up person now, i know you think i'm living in a lie but, i'm not.
when i go to bed at night, i am happy. i would be most happy if you were still in my life but i'm not naive and i know the chances of that ever happening are slim to none, especially at this time.
i know that as much as i've told myself i will be the girl you always love, you won't. and some day you'll find another girl that makes me just a passing fad to occasionally look back upon.
now, that girl may not be the one. it may take tons of failed attempts, but you WILL find her. and it WON'T be me.

and that is the first, and only, time i've been able to admit that to myself or anyone else.
i did always, no matter what i've said, think you and i would be together eventually.
but i know we won't. because first loves are meant to teach you, to mold you, to make you grow. and for every one that actually lasts, there are thousands that don't.
but that's not your fault or my fault. that's just the way life was supposed to happen.
i lived before you and i thought i knew what love was. it was only later that i realized i knew nothing about love at all.
and maybe i still don't know what i really should.

but i do know, without any uncertainity in my mind, that you have been the most important thing in my life for so long and letting you go is one of the hardest things i've had to do.
because i WAS always comfortable with you, always myself, always free.
but that doesn't mean that i'm being fake now. it just means i'm adjusting to new people and new situations, and just like you, i have to get comfortable with them too.
all i know is i was okay before you and i'll be okay after you. it's just the healing process that's the most exhausting.
and as much as pains me to say this, i hope you do find the girl of your dreams. you deserve her.
i know when you date someone it's going to break my heart but i also know deep down i'll be happy for you.
you ARE a good person which is why it's so frustrating when you act so hateful towards me and make shallow remarks about my friends.

every guy i've met so far has been nothing like you. and when they compliment me or text me, it makes me just think of what you used to say.
 i'm getting used to the idea that not every guy is like you and that that's alright. but i do miss you.
and sometimes at night, i am sad about the way things ended.
but i'm not depressed. and i'm not leading a fake life.
i'm having fun and i'm living. and that's all i need to make it.
 

Call Out.

setting things straight. [October 30th, 2008 - 1:39am]

NOT TO A BOY:
you're not in my life for a reason. aka you weren't important enough for me to give a fuck about. so don't bother me.
ps- i know who you are, idiot. i'm fake? take a look in the god damn mirror and get your stick out of your vagina. you're nothing special, nothing important, nothing anyone gives a fuck about so stop thinking you're hot shit. you're not, you haven't been, you won't be.
i don't pretend like i think i'm amazing. unlike you, i'm nice to pretty much everyone because i DON'T judge every person i see. you think you're unique? original? no. there's millions of people just like you. accept it. i don't pretend to be unique, original, better than anyone. i like my friends and that's that.

TO A BOY:

it's gross to me how immature you're being. i don't know if you remember this but i'm fairly sure less than 24 hours ago you told me you love me. don't act like an asshole after that. i have a lot to say to you but this isn't the place. i'm not going to "online" fight with you. we're not 13, so stop acting like it. why the hell would you want to talk shit about/hate someone you dated for over 2 years? that just makes YOU look bad. am i saying anything negative about you? nope, never. want to know why? because no matter how much you hurt my feelings, i still love you. i still care about YOUR feelings. i still RESPECT you. so respect me. don't tell me a whore, a bitch, or any other rude name you want to say. don't call me a piece of shit, a moron, a "cool girl". don't say anything. if you have nothing productive to say to me, than just DON'T speak. i'm not a slut, you were the last person i touched. i'm not a bitch, i am always trying to be nice to you. i'm not a piece of shit. i'm not a moron. i don't think i'm "cool". let me live my life, i'll let you live yours. don't call me fake when you're the one hitting on god knows how many retarded girls. that's not even like you and we both know it. i'm not hitting on anyone. i'm trying to get MY shit together and i'd suggest you do the same. you are a good fucking person so stop acting like such a bastard. i know you have a good heart, i love you for a reason. you were and always will be the first person i've ever loved and i would never take back our relationship despite all the shitty times. are there things i did wrong? ABSOLUTELY. are there things i regret? YES. is that what you wanted to hear? YES, I FUCKED UP. YES, I WAS A BITCH. YES, I WAS OVERDRAMATIC. but did you fuck up? were you a jerk? were you overdramatic, too? YES. you WERE. we BOTH were. we BOTH fucked up. we BOTH treated eachother like shit. so do NOT blame all of this shit on me. maybe YOUR friends never saw the mean shit you used to write to me or never saw how you acted like i was a piece of fucking dirt that you could just sleep with whenever, but I DID. maybe your friends don't know that you text me telling me to "fucking die" and telling me that i'm a "whore" and that every one things i'm FAT AND UGLY. maybe YOUR friends don't know about all the times you made me cry or almost kill myself because of how fucking horrible you could be.
i have said a lot of FUCKED up shit to you too and for that, i eternally apologize. I never EVER wanted you to cry or to hurt you or to make you hate yourself or anything in your life. you're a beautiful person deep down and i've seen sides of you no one has and whoever eventually gets to see those sides is a lucky young woman. because you could be the best boyfriend in the world. but sometimes being amazing isn't enough. sometimes not fighting isn't enough. because for your good sides, there were your bad. and for my good sides, there were my bad. neither of us are bad people and i think that deep down you know that. i know it's easier for you to hate me. and it's easier for you to blame me for all the problems in your life. i know that's what's EASIER. but that isn't what's right. i don't blame you for our break ups. i don't blame you for my life problems. i blame BOTH of us, and where necessary, i just blame me. i know i was wrong many times, but PLEASE if you ever gave a shit about me you'd stop all of this bullshit and realize we BOTH caused our relationship to fail. It wasn't JUST me. The shittiest part about this whole situation is my never-ending feelings for you and your complete lack of respect towards them. I'm not texting you telling you when I drink or what I do, respect me and do the same. I'm not trying to date anyone, but if you are, please respect me and don't flaunt it so it hurts me. Why do you want me to be so upset? Why do you WANT me to be miserable? You can't say you don't because you've made it clear that you really, really want me to be lonely and unhappy. I would never want that for you. Ever. I always want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Do you think it's easy just not speaking to you? Do you think I'm never thinking about you? I always am. YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND. And through good and bad, i dedicated YEARS towards you. How could I NOT miss you? How could I NOT wish you were sitting next to me? How could I NOT think about you all the time? Every thing I see reminds  me of you. So stop thinking i'm living this awesome, cool downtown life and I just left you behind. I miss you ALWAYS. I love you ALWAYS. and nothing is going to change that. If we were older and at better points in our lives, you COULD be the person I want to marry. But we're not. We're 20 & 21 years old and we've got too much to learn and have too much growing to do. You even said you feel like if we got back together again, it'd be like we're married and you need to experience life. YOU SAID THAT. So DO IT. Experience life. Have fun. Meet new people. But just be who you really are, don't settle for some skank just because you can. You're better than that. You're the best guy I've ever met. No guy will ever compare to you. Don't discredit my opinion by going out and talking shit about me or to me. You know you're the only person I love so just stop. We don't need to do this anymore. We need to live. And if thats without eachother right now, than so be it. But I will always want you back in my life. I will always wait for the day I see you again. And can laugh with you again. And can be myself with you again. No one could ever make me feel so comfortable. But until that day comes, let's just stop with the name-calling and remain silent.

Because I know no matter what you say to me or about me, you still love me. And I still love you. Always.

Call Out.

[October 21st, 2008 - 4:23am]
"you hate to see them go. but you love to see them walk away...."

(i'm geniuely glad to see you're happy. you, through all of the bullshit, still have a good heart in you.)
Call Out.

[October 13th, 2008 - 3:45am]
the weather's gorgeous, my family is great, i have been getting closer to new friends and re-aquainted with old friends and yet i'm still constantly annoyed.
and i really mean constantly.
there hasn't been a day where something hasn't bothered me and i'm not sure why.

my current annoyances include:
-my roommates. maybe i'm just too picky or just so used to living on my own (with just my mom and dad) or something but, i seriously cannot be home for more than a day without getting mad about something. okay, yes, they're males but that's not an excuse to be assholes, or dirty, or intrusive. don't invade my space, don't bother me when i'm busy, don't invite people over without even telling me so that i'm in my PJs when people come home, don't let me hear you sleeping with people when i'm a foot away, don't eat/drink my stuff.
-people who think they're amazing when they're not.
HERES THE THING, i don't care if you think you're the most unique, intelligent, interesting girl in the world, but stop treating people like you're above them. stop responding to people as if they're morons. stop judging/making fun of people who you are exactly like. 
don't judge people like those indie/urban outfitters/american apparel girls that flood the city when you're exactly like them. almost everyone falls into their little place, whether they realize it or not. and that's okay.
that's not to say anyone is necessarily TRYING too hard to be a certain way or being a "poser", it's just what they like. and that's fine.
-liars. liars really are starting to bother me.
-being insecure/hating my body. 10 pounds is honestly stopping me from being happy with my body. 10. that's probably 3 weeks of diet and exercise. that's not that long, and i'm the one who's in my way. i just want to be healthy and i need to stop procrastinating and just do it.
-my lack of motivation to do anything. i am so indifferent towards everything.
-me being creeped out by basically all males.
-me still caring about a relationship that i need to let go.
-me not sticking up for myself as much as i should.
-drifting apart from friends.
-people who don't take the opportunities in front of them and just drift along life. do something.
-being broke. this is a huge issue. i cannot keep asking my parents for money. i just can't. they don't need to support me. it's not fair to them at all. but i've applied so many places and no one has hired me. i'm starting to sell everything on craigslist for money. and when i do get money, i keep buying FOOD. this is why i'm not losing weight and i'm broke. food is ruining my life!

this is so all over the place but it's okay. i feel like a can breathe a little better.
1 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[May 15th, 2008 - 3:35am]

i'm becoming increasingly paranoid.
i'm constantly thinking everyone hates me and that every time someone is pissed off, it's me that they're upset with.
I mean, i HAVE made a lot of mistakes recently, but i can't think of any real, sufficent reason why anyone/everyone would be pissed at me.
but i feel like there is.
i feel like every time people are talking, it's about me. and in the worst kind of way.
we all make mistakes, and i'm fine with occasionally pissing someone off.
as long as they tell me so i can make it right.
SO TELL ME PLEASE.

am i right or am i going crazy?

3 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[May 11th, 2008 - 4:23pm]

 everyone is either telling me how great i am or telling me i'm a huge bitch for an opinion.
it's an opinion.
i didn't say i was right, i didn't even say i was being mature. am i being mature? probably not.
but it's an opinion, and it's MY opinion, and i should be allowed to have it and announce it to whoever/whenever.
i'm not hiding from what i said. if anyone is mad or offended or upset, i would talk to them and explain to them how i feel in a heartbeat.
i'm not being a coward. i'm just saying what i feel. and i wish that didn't put me on two opposite sides of the spectrum. 
you don't have to agree, but you can at least listen to what i'm saying and not call me a "stupid bitch".

it's not like i'm making anyone hate anyone.
chances are, the people who agree with me already have thought this way before i said anything.

 

oh and nick taft, i hope you are still my friend. :(

3 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[March 25th, 2008 - 12:10am]
I lead two lives.
Similar to Jekyll and Hyde.
Dangerous like Bonnie and Clyde.
Confused about what's on the inside
of my brain.

I am the friend, the daughter, the sister, the lover, the crush, the bitch, the stranger, the giver, the taker, the caller, the betrayer.
I am the helper and the hurter, the resurrector and deserter, the truthful and the liar, 
and what is left to inspire?

I am relieved yet inconsoleable,
contained but uncontrollable,
confident but still uncomfortable
in my own skin.

I loved too much and loved too little
and i could never find a place right in the middle
tried so hard but could never get an aquital 
in the trials of my heart.

Always one or the other
together or with another
never satisfied with eachother
in anything that we did.

We were at two seperate places
but shared the same spaces
anger was always the basis
of our life.

And i am so many people 
in this one spinning body
and i've got so many things i'd like to see.

And you couldn't accept my split life
and I couldn't respect your love
and this was the only way it could be.

I no longer lead a split life
I am figuring out my mind
But yes, it will take time
to find myself again.

I will have my ups and downs
But this time things will turn around
god only knows where i'm bound
to end.

But this time it'll be on my own
and I'll be completely alone.
And that's okay with me.
Call Out.

[March 10th, 2008 - 12:51am]
At what point do you have to finally put yourself first?
I'm so jaded I can barely feel anything anymore.

It's time I did what's best for myself.
Call Out.

[January 17th, 2008 - 3:40am]
 On Saturday morning, I am going to a volunteer training session for Atlanta Humane Society.
I wish I could explain to you how important animals are to me.
100,000 cats and dogs are killed in Georgia every year for no reason other than lack of homes.
These animals do not even get a chance to live or to love simply because people are too cheap to get their pets neutered or spade.
How would you feel if you were in an awful cage your whole short life, never loved, never cared about, malnourished... and then were just killed off because no one had the room for you.
If people would start containing how many pets are born every year, more pets would have a chance at life. But instead, thousands of puppies are born and the cute ones get homes and the other ones get stuck in shelters just to die.
It's like a baby being born, living for a few months, and then just being killed off because no one wants them. What if our adoption agencies were like that?

Here's my point, if you have any compassion please help.
Donate to an animal rescue, volunteer with me at the Humane Society, help out at Petsmart once a month washing pets, get your pets neutered/spayed, or even allow your home to be a foster home for rescue pets waiting for adoption. It's only for a few weeks and then the animals are put into their forever homes to be loved for their long lives.
Pets have feelings just like you and I. They need love and support and a family.
I spend hours a night looking at all the Animal Service ads that read "PLEASE ADOPT ASAP THIS IS A KILL SHELTER".
Look at one, look at those animals, and then pretend to not care.
Please become a volunteer with me or at least do something. They need love as much as you do.

I also applied to a homeless volunteer program where I would make meals for 20 homeless people a few times a month. If you want to help me with that, feel free.
And I also applied to volunteer at a Student-run volunteer program where we help low income girls and boys by educating them, entertaining them, etc.

I may not have as much time on my hands now, but I can't imagine looking back at my life and saying, "I never made a difference".
Do not be one of these people. Do not look back at your life and remember the partying, the drinking, the sex, the drugs, the dancing, the clubs, the bars.
Look back and remember that you stood for something.
You cared about something.
And you did something, however big or small, to change a person or animals life.
It's not about money, it's not about trying to make yourself feel like a good person, it's about really impacting someone's life.
And if you can save one animal, help one person, change one life (human or not), it will be worth more than any amount of money you can obtain.

I am not going to just stop going out and stop having fun. You can have fun and volunteer during the day. Even if it's once a month, it's still something.

33% of the homeless are CHILDREN under 18. 
100,000 dead animals a year for no reason.
You can help. It just takes a small amount of your time (which you probably spend sleeping) and in 50 years, you can look back at your life and say, "Instead of sleeping until 3p.m, I changed a life".
Call Out.

[December 2nd, 2007 - 7:21pm]
i am more than miserable.
with myself, with my family, with my life, with my lack of commitment to anything, with my lack of dedication or drive to do anything.

i want to be healthy. i want to be happy.
i need to be healthy.
i need to be happy.
Call Out.

[October 17th, 2007 - 7:44pm]
birthday in a few hours.
i am so depressed. my parents hate me. cool.

NICK TAFTTTY. stop being sad!!! i hope you stilll mah bfff cause i think you hate me! but i still love you!
5 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[October 11th, 2007 - 5:06pm]

I really hate everyone right now. Everyone who has become my "friend" isnt an actual friend.
Almost all of you (mainly the guys because Amanda and Kamilla are da bomb) want to hang out with me when either you're bored, I can get alcohol, or it's convienent. But when you're at State, WHERE I LIVE, none of you even bother to call me. That's cool.
Thanks a fucking lot. I help you out whenever you guys need it, I put in my money for stuff for everyone, I try to support your band(s).
But apparently that doesn't matter because even still no one cares or respects  me enough to even simply TELL ME THEY ARE 20 FEET AWAY.
Cool. Good fucking friends right. I'm not saying I can't call any of you, I can. But if I was right by your house/in the area I would at least text you to see what you are doing.
Whatever I don't want friends. I'm glad my birthday week is starting off good.

8 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

[September 24th, 2007 - 12:54pm]
I have this one mental image that keeps replaying in my mind.
We were in Austins basement and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe.
I was begging and pleading and asking you why you were being so cold.
Why you weren't wanting to sleep in the same bed as me, in the same room as me.
You kept saying, " I just want to sleep on the couch". And I wouldn't take that as an answer.
I was on my knees literally, and you just looked at me with a blank expression.
Nothing phased you.
You told me you "didn't feel like dealing with this right now" and while that was a common phrase you used, I wouldn't accept that that particular night.
I cried and cried and grasped on to you. And when my eyes were finally clear enough where I could acutally make out your face, I looked at you.
And I looked into your eyes and could see the love was gone.
I drove you home that night and laid in your bed but you felt nothing.
There was only sheets between us, but it felt like miles.
And I knew after that day nothing would be the same.
You kissed me on my forehead in the morning and I knew that this was it.
I think it was that day I began letting go. Not before, not after.
I could feel the distance,
even when your back was arched closely into my chest.

Some memories are too difficult to ever forget.
1 cannot stop shaking. × Call Out.

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